


Turn Back The Clock

by diphylleia_grayi



Category: VIXX
Genre: Comatose Taekwoon, Heavy Angst, Hongbin-centric, M/M, Model!Taekwoon, Suicide Attempt, photographer!hongbin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 13:16:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14916075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diphylleia_grayi/pseuds/diphylleia_grayi
Summary: "Even if there isn’t anything left for me afterwards, I’ll make sure you’re happy, okay?”It's too late for words like that now.





	Turn Back The Clock

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by 'Betting Everything' by Royal Pirates.

Hongbin liked to claim that he didn’t remember the days before, the sort of life he’d lead back then. His life was different now, too different, and sometimes he found himself wondering if those times had just been dreams. Those memories had a strange quality to them, a touch of some emotion he couldn’t recognise, but he didn’t dwell on that too often because there was always something that needed to be done, or somewhere he needed to be.

Where he needed to be at that moment was the hospital room, and it was into that room that he walked now, five minutes later that he usually was with apologies already flowing out of his mouth.

Placing the flowers down on the desk, he sat down on the chair beside the bed, taking the elder’s hand in his. “Hyung... happy birthday.”

Taekwoon’s eyes, as always, remained closed. It didn’t matter all that much, not now. Taekwoon had beautiful eyelashes, and he had grown to love staring at them as much as he’d enjoyed gazing into Taekwoon’s eyes.

“I know how much you want a puppy, so... Well. I’m not allowed to bring pets in, no matter how cute they are, but hyung... She’s adorable. She’s so fluffy and she barks in the cutest way and she likes to sleep on my bed, right in the middle, so I end up sleeping on the sofa, but she’s just so cute that I can’t help but forgive her, you know?

“You’ll love her. You two would probably gang up on me, now that I think about it...” He chuckled. “I’ve left her with Chansik-hyung for today so she doesn’t rip up my work, but Jaehwan-hyung’s saying that if he can’t have her next time, he’ll kidnap her. So Jaehwan-hyung’s exactly the same as always... Oh, I have a picture-” Taking out his wallet, Hongbin opened it, easily finding the picture he’d slipped in earlier, along with another he hadn’t seen in a while.

“Hyung...”

The people in the picture were in love. They were happy, knew they belonged with each other, and hadn’t been separated yet. One of them was Taekwoon, and the other...

He wasn’t that man anymore, and therefore, that man’s privacy should be respected. Snapping the wallet shut, he slipped it back into his pocket, and tried to forget he’d ever seen it.

“I’ve been working a lot, hyung. You can’t go back to your job anymore, and I know it’ll be tough trying to figure out where to go next, so...” He’d given this speech a lot. Taekwoon must be tired of hearing it by now. “I’ve been saving up for you, and hopefully I’ll be able to keep on doing that so you never have to torture yourself again. Even if there isn’t anything left for me afterwards, I’ll make sure you’re happy, okay?”

He looked down at their hands, at the way their fingers fit together perfectly. “Even if you don’t take me back, it doesn’t matter. Just let me help you get yourself on your feet. That’s all I ask.”

* * *

The corridor was too long, the price was too high, the weight of her words was too much. Hongbin couldn’t deal with being so small and insignificant, not in this situation, but he was the only one here so he needed to be strong.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “I understand what you’re saying, and it doesn’t matter. I’ll pay for all the costs.”

She looked at him with pity, and they exchanged a few more words to finalise the arrangements before she left.

His phone vibrated. Chansik had sent him a text.

 _They don’t think he’ll wake up,_ Hongbin wrote back. _I insisted they keep him on life support until I stop paying them._

The reply came almost immediately. _I’ll be there as soon as I can._

Hongbin couldn’t find it in himself to argue, so he texted Chansik his exact location before turning off his phone.

The chair he sat in was too big, like he’d returned to being a pathetic little child who could do nothing. But here, now, that was exactly what he was, so hanging his head, he cried, and wished he had a mother who could hold him.

* * *

Taekwoon was lying on the bed, too pale, too weak, too still. There were more wires and tubes than Hongbin could count, attached to various parts of Taekwoon’s body, machines which didn’t know the meaning of life or love fighting to keep him alive while he, Hongbin, was stood there doing nothing.

He couldn’t take his eyes off them, couldn’t help but wonder how much pain Taekwoon must be in, and he almost missed the chair when he went to sit down. The nurse grabbed hold of his arm, shooting him a look of sympathy that he didn’t want to see. She left quickly after that, and he closed the door behind her before sitting down again.

He shouldn’t touch Taekwoon. He had no right to do that, not after all that had happened. He should just stare from a distance. Taekwoon was – is – a model, and were models not meant to be treated like that? He was only Lee Hongbin, with no status of his own. It was a wonder Taekwoon had even noticed him.

“I remember that day, hyung,” Hongbin said. “I spilt coffee on you when you were on your way back from an important shoot. You had every right to be mad, but you weren’t... And when we met again, you remembered me, even though it was miles away from where we’d met the first time...

“Do you remember when you told me how you felt? I was too scared to do anything once I realised I was in love with you, but you... You brought me food, more food than I knew what to do with, and then when we were talking about how the deal at the supermarket was actually a rip-off, you just kissed me out of nowhere... You can’t imagine how surprised I was then. I was happy though. I was really happy.

“But that day you said you’d marry me... That’s the day I remember the best. I remember how cold it was outside, the colour of your scarf and your muffled voice from behind it, and the way you looked at me when you said ‘Yes’....” His eyes stung. “You put your head on my shoulder and you didn’t move for the longest time... And when I tried to make move my arms because my fingers had turned numb, you took my hands and... and you...”

He opened his mouth, but all that came was a gasp, and a sob that he tried to choke back but couldn’t. It was stupid, but he couldn’t face Taekwoon like this, so he looked down at a table instead – a table that had an engagement ring atop it.

“Why do you still have this?” Hongbin murmured, picking it up. It hadn’t been damaged at all... In fact, it looked as new as it had the day he’d bought it. “Hyung...”

His chest hurt.

“Hyung, you were happy too, weren’t you?... You still loved me, didn’t you?... I loved you too, hyung, I loved you so much – God, I still do. Why did this happen? Why did I let this happen? It’s all so stupid, so fucking stupid...”

Taking Taekwoon’s hand, he rested his forehead against it, pressed his lips against each of the fingers. “It’s my fault. You were right. It’s all my fault. I don’t know when we started living like that, but I should’ve made more of an effort. I shouldn’t have stopped buying you flowers. I should’ve just... Oh God, I can’t live like this. Help me, hyung. I need you.”

* * *

Jaehwan was waiting for him when he arrived at his workplace that morning, attention mostly focused on the cat video playing on his phone and not the apprehensive expression the receptionist wore.

“Someone wants to speak to you,” Jaehwan said, gesturing to the phone on the desk. “It sounded pretty urgent.”

Hongbin could tell that there was something being kept from him, but decided to not question it. He would find out soon enough.

Jaehwan waited until Hongbin was dialling the number that had been hastily scribbled down before walking off, mumbling something about Myungsoo needing something sorted, but Hongbin could see his shoes peeking out from behind the wall. That man needed to work on his subtlety.

The number was for a hospital in the city, and they wanted him to sit down before they continued.

He did so, and they told him there were no records of living family members for their patient, so they’d found out from his neighbours that he was engaged to a Lee Hongbin who worked at this studio. Hongbin confirmed this, making a mental note to tell the neighbours that the wedding was off, since his ex-fiancé definitely wouldn’t be doing that. He knew how talkative those people were; they would bring Hongbin up at some point in the near future, and that man was too private to say anything to correct them.

He then learned then that Jung Taekwoon had been found in a wrecked car outside the city. It had been a suicide attempt.

* * *

He didn’t really know what he did with his time these days. He didn’t really know how much time had passed either. It was all darkness to him, until he tried to remember those happier days. Those days were colourful, beautiful, immortalised in his mind with greater quality than a camera could ever hope to achieve.

Hongbin was a photographer. He didn’t like being blind.

Taekwoon was The One, as difficult as it was to admit. Hongbin couldn’t let him go – not his only source of happiness these days. Taekwoon had given meanings to everything he enjoyed, and without him, it all felt disappointing. That wasn’t how those things were meant to feel.

He wanted Taekwoon to come back. Not back to him, necessarily - just back in his apartment, singing to himself as he worked. Hongbin wanted to know where he stood these days. He could try to win Taekwoon back for good if he knew. These days, there wasn’t much he could give up, but he would part with all of those in a heartbeat if Taekwoon would accept him.

* * *

Hongbin didn’t know where Taekwoon was these days. It felt like a large portion of his life was missing now, for reasons he couldn’t quite figure out. Taekwoon hadn’t taken up that much of his time, surely?

Myungsoo had been perfectly happy to keep him company, even though Hongbin had even more time to devote to work than he’d had before. He still couldn’t figure out how this man was cooler than Hongbin could ever even dream of being.

They’d grown closer, and went out drinking frequently, sometimes together, sometimes with colleagues, and Hongbin thought it was nice. He liked having someone to talk to about his work, someone who shared the passion he had for it. It distracted him from the emptiness Taekwoon had left as well. He wasn’t attracted to Myungsoo, and even if he was, it wouldn’t be the same it had been with Taekwoon. But still, Hongbin was satisfied.

It was when he was alone that that changed. His apartment was empty, too empty, and so was Taekwoon’s. He’d been checking with the spare key that he’d kept, and with the neighbours too. He didn’t know where Taekwoon could be, as much as it ashamed him to admit it, and Taekwoon’s phone was turned off. He was worried, far more than he’d thought one could be, but he couldn’t exactly hire detectives with his income. He would just have to wait and see what would happen.

Besides, Taekwoon was a grown man, and not to mention the one who’d suggested they end their relationship. Hongbin should not spend his energy worrying.

And yet Hongbin was a grown man too, but he cried every night because his bed felt too empty. He couldn’t shake off the feeling that somewhere out there, Taekwoon wanted someone to hold him as well.

* * *

His bags were too heavy, and Hongbin’s back still hurt from carrying them up several flights of stairs to the studio earlier. His head was killing him, but he’d been taking too many painkillers and drinking too much caffeine recently. Perhaps he’d become dependent on them. Health problems were exactly what he needed on top of his current workload.

What he needed, he decided, was a long bath. Maybe he would board up all the windows afterwards and just sleep until the next morning. He didn’t have the energy to eat tonight. He wasn’t looking forward to telling Taekwoon that he was going to skip a meal.

So walking into his apartment to find that it smelled nothing like food should have been a relief, but not when he was dealing with a man like Taekwoon. Hongbin sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose. If there was more trouble to deal with after all that had happened today...

Taekwoon walked out of the kitchen, appraised him with crossed arms. Hongbin took a step back and looked away just as Taekwoon spoke.

“Sorry, what?”

“I don’t think this is working,” Taekwoon repeated, only slightly louder. “I see you at shoots more often than I see you at my house.”

“Hyung, you know I’m busy,” Hongbin sighed. “You’re the one who encouraged me to study as well as work. You said you’d support me.”

“I want what’s best for you, obviously,” he said. “I just... didn’t count on... this.”

Hongbin stared. “What do you mean by that exactly?”

Taekwoon shook his head, bit his lip, and walked back into the kitchen. Was this discussion over already? What kind of conclusion was this? He couldn’t just say things like that and then leave like nothing had happened.

In the kitchen, Taekwoon was staring at a bowl of uncooked food, his jaw clenched. Hongbin leaned against the doorframe and waited.

“You’re not making time for me anymore,” the elder said at last. “I make you dinner every night, but you don’t tell me when you don’t want to eat. I try to talk to you, but you either talk about your co-workers or how tired you are. It sounds like small talk, and I thought we’d be past that point by now, considering...” He looked down at his hand. “It looks to me like you have a lot to say to your colleagues though.”

“Well, we do work together,” Hongbin pointed out, resting his head against the cool wood. “Communication and teamwork are skills valued by all employers, and Myungsoo-sunbae is very happy with how I’m doing.” As for the rest of it... He hadn’t noticed he’d been doing that, but those could easily be fixed. Taekwoon was understanding – perhaps if he apologised better, after he’d thought things through-

“That sunbae of yours...” Taekwoon picked up a tomato and began to slice it, more like he was looking for something to do. Hongbin supposed he’d never understand how Taekwoon was feeling at that moment, even though the state of the chopping board gave a good indication of it. “You look happy with him. I see you, you know.”

Hongbin looked up, stepped into the kitchen. “What are you trying to imply, hyung? Are you saying this is happening because I’m in love with a co-worker? Do you think I’m not in love with you anymore?”

“What do you think?” was all Taekwoon said. It took Hongbin a moment to realise it wasn’t a sarcastic retort, and when he did, he fell silent.

Taekwoon looked up, but didn’t meet his eyes. “What do you feel for me, Hongbin-ssi?”

Reverting to formal speech? He should be honest, then.

“A touch of annoyance, these days.”

Taekwoon’s expression became blank, so Hongbin continued quietly. “I’m working for our future, and I’m enjoying working for our future, but this future... When I try to visualise it, I just can’t do it as well as I could before.”

Taekwoon nodded, turned away. “I see.” His voice was bitter. “Maybe you could add to your enjoyment of work by dating someone there. Greater opportunities and all that.”

Hongbin took a step closer. “It seems to me like you want our relationship to be over.”

“I could say the same to you.”

* * *

Hongbin strolled into the dressing room, the smile on his face widening upon spotting his fiancé. The coordi-noona standing in front of the mirror stepped aside with a smile, letting Taekwoon catch sight of him in the mirror.

“Surprise, hyung,” Hongbin murmured, stopping behind him. “I heard you’re gonna be busy for a while.”

“And you being here will mean I’ll be busier later,” Taekwoon pointed out, leaning back carefully to be closer to Hongbin. “Why are you here?”

“Guess.”

“You got accepted into the course.”

“...”

Taekwoon ducked his head, hiding the smile that appeared at Hongbin’s pout.

“That’s not what you’re supposed to do when I say that!”

Shaking his head, Taekwoon looked up again, meeting his gaze in the mirror. “Congratulations. I suppose Chansik will be taking you out to celebrate.”

“Yeah, we’re gonna meet up in a few minutes outside here,” Hongbin said with a nod. “I wish...”

Taekwoon nodded, understanding him perfectly.

Out of the corner of his eye, Hongbin spied the coordi-noona hurrying back over to them, armed with makeup projects that in his eyes just detracted from Taekwoon’s beauty. But he supposed they would be needed, in order to hide the bags under Taekwoon’s eyes that had formed from weeks with little sleep.

Hongbin sighed. He’d just have to be happy that he worked somewhere where he could keep an eye on Taekwoon.

“I’d better go, hyung. Text me when you’re free and we can meet up.”

“Take care,” his fiancé murmured.

“You too,” Hongbin replied, squeezing his shoulder, and left.

Fiancé. He would never get sick of calling Taekwoon that. But imagining himself being able to call him ‘husband’...

That wouldn’t be for a while yet. But he would work hard, he would save up enough. One day, once Taekwoon retired, they’d buy that dream house, with a nice kitchen where they could cook together. Taekwoon liked dogs, so they would adopt a puppy, he presumed. And what about a family? Hongbin adored children, and Taekwoon... He couldn’t image Taekwoon being anything but the best father anyone could ask for.

But waking up next to Taekwoon every morning, when just his smile brightens when the dullest of Hongbin’s days... He couldn’t wait for that.

 

 

 

**End.**


End file.
